Day Six, Afternoon

It’s so cold right now. I’m sitting here on this bench next to the light, and it’s freezing. But I like it. It’s peaceful.

I haven’t sat out here on Marston Quad in a long while. I used to just walk around the campus and just walk on Marston Quad in the misle of the night…I don’t know why I did it. I guess I liked the feeling of rambling around, thinking, pondering, etc. It’s a very “college” thing to do. I did a lot of that when I was a freshman and sophomore, but not that I’m a senior I feel…older and not quite in the mood to just walk aimlessly like that or just sit around on the Quad.

So that’s why I’m glad you put this here. Because it’s given me the chance to just sit and think and write alone out here for the first time in…a very long time. I miss my past and this is helping me remember what it was like.

My fingers are numb now, I better stop.

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It’s cold. I’m cold. I don’t want to be here, but I am. It’s late. I’m tired, but I cannot sleep. God, why did whoever that was have to write that, I cannot sleep? That’s why I’m here, cuz I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I don’t want to be here because it’s cold, I’m cold, but also because I know you know who I am and I don’t want you to know. I don’t want to talk, I want to vent. Everything is okay, I just need to think. I need to get this out.

I’m sorry now, this will not be a dialogue, this is an interruption, the ramblings of a moment to which there is nothing to say.

I lied to someone on my way here. I said I was good, tired but good, and cold, but I didn’t say that. I wanted that. I left my jacket on purpose. It’s dark, it’s late, I’m cold, I need to write this. I can’t get everything I want, and I don’t want everything, but God keeps giving me almost everything. Everything just close enough to perfection that I know what I am missing, that I can taste it, feel it, in all its particulars. It hurts to be that close so often. To have so much that everyone envies you, but have too much, more than is easy, to be so close to perfection you now want it, but can’t. It hurts. I’m cold and tired. At least I didn’t lie to her about one thing. It did clear my head. Thank you. Sorry.

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